I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
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he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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