I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm really busy with my period
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