do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
