Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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