even my farts smell like vagina
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
