I am spending my child support on dildos
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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