dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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