It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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