Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
