You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
