I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
