Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
