youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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