It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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