There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
