that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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