Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
