Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
