Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
