I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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