I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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