You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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