i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize