Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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