How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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