i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
