sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
