You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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