phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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