Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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