i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
