At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
