new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
