Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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