I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
