Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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