apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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