I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
