consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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