I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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