he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
