He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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