I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
