Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
