There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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