I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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