I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i want to swaddle you in tequila
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
