he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
BRING THE BAGELS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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