I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
