The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
