I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
