im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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