It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
