That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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