just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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