why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
