i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
